Part III

My life has truly been an audacious one and even now there never seems to be a dull moment. I am still living in the nice house in Santa Rosa.  A lot has happened in two years  I am currently working for Starbucks ( my favorite company), I have been working on my radio station as you all know.. It has an app now, It’s on blackberry, I tunes and its in a magazine all year round…. Furthermore, I also joined a choir, became a member of the local temple and also joined a film festival committee… Is also started singing in a local parking lot out of starbucks and sometimes by my house.  I even had the opportunity to do some travel, I had gone to Portland as well as Seattle. You see I promised myself two years ago that every year for my birthday I was going to go to a different location. I love to travel.   Its one of my favorite things to do…  Even though Bryan had moved to Eureka I still went up to see him a few times.  It’s been difficult this separation but I understood why it had happened. He needed to discover who he was and heal his traumatic past. On the other hand,  I had to heal all my inner wounds that wasnt healed previously, see how far I can go with my station, learn what unconditional love was and to learn how to thrive in an interdependent society.  I also got to live where I wanted to live and work on my radio station so I am building this future.

 So anyways, Bryan got bar mitzvahed January 27th , it was something that he had wanted since I knew him.  so I went to the ceremony in eureka. I had to be there. I had to support him. The ceremony was beautiful. His speech was so prevalent to what he has undergone in his life and he has learned to let go of his past.   I was so proud of him not just for achieving this wonderful accomplishment, but because he has grown so much since I’ve known him. You see he suffered from a troubled child hood too.  I got to see a wonderful 38 year old thrive for the frist time he has thrived in his life… It was just breathtaking.   Sometimes all people need is love. Sometimes all people need is knowing someone has your back.   Yes we can do it on our own, I mean I have for years, but having that support can mean so much…

  He told me I was his best friend… No one has EVER SAID THAT TO ME BEFORE… It meant so much for me to be there to him.   You see Bryan is not only my husband, but he is my best friend as well, he’s the one that showed me my life truly matters and he is the blessing of my life.   He got me through one of the worst times of my life and I don’t know how I would have survived it if he wasnt there. Consequently, I love him and I will love him forever.   I had gone up there other times through out the three years also.  Last year I went up there one friday afternoon, got there right as he got off from work and I was standing on the corner. Nevertheless,  I haven’t  seen him in 6 months; so I asked him to spend some time with me just out of the blue, he was like ok…. I love making his heart stop like that and seeing him smile.  I’ve gone up there on Christmases ;literally at the crack of dawn,on our anniversary and other special occasions.  Seeing him smile, is one of my greatest joys. . I still don’t know what my future holds with this man, but Bryan James Almond if you ever read this, you are the love of my life.

Sometimes I feel stuck, sometimes i feel that all this work I have done on myself, making sure I eat right, making sure I heal my inner child, learning to emotionally soothe myself, learning to love myself unconditionally,  detach, surrender and just becoming the best i can be is all worth it… I want to be the best me for someone else, not just myself.     Beofre he left I promised him a future, I am doing what I can to make sure he has it.. Yet I know I am,  responsible for my happiness and he is responsible for his, but true unconditional love for another is part of that happiness. There is this quote by Erich Fromm, Immature love says I love you because I need you. Mature love says I need you because I love you. This has held true since I met him. I don’t need to be with him. I choose to be with him because he is the strongest, the smartest, the cutest man I know.  I may have had an impact on him,  but I don’t think he even understands the profound extent he had on my life.  For that I will always be grateful..

It’s been a journey these past two years, it still is.  A few weeks ago, I was in the hospital again, sometimes its just too much doing everything on your own..  I guess you can say I relapsed, my depression can be too hard to manage sometimes.  Yet, It was different this time around. I went voluntary even though I really didn’t have a choice.  However, I was very appreciative I was still alive the next morning because I was able to sing , I was able to see some breathtaking views of Sonoma County and I realized why I do everything I still do.  LAst time I crashed, i just felt my passions were not enough for me to stay here but this time, I realized my love for my husband has made my life enough.  Maybe that’s something I shouldnt hold on to, but its the truth. Loving him has always been so worth it, and to this day it still is.  I don’t know what my future holds, I don’t know what his holds but the love between us  is something that can not be broken. The love is always there, in my heart every day.

That being said, I work on rebuilding my life everyday…. I strive to have. a better future and I hope I can continue to create that.

That’s all for now….

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