So, I wanted to share some my life story,at least up till my relationship with my husband (more details about that later). This is not my typical share, but I felt the need to post it. It’s time for me to tell you. I am turning 36 years of age in a month from today and I’m tired of living behind a mask every day. This blog lets me me express who I really am through the songs I post. I don’t want pity because I’ve done a lot of inner healing on my past, but I remember explicitly certain memories.
I grew up with a 65% hearing loss as some of you may know, and back then people did not know how to deal with people who are hard of hearing. In fact, some don’t now, they feel just putting them in the back room is what is best or ignoring them or treating them different is what is best. Most don’t take the time to understand people who are HOH as individual, as humans… As a result of my loss, I was emotionally abused all through out my childhood. I was told that I was never gonna be able to read and write, I was told that I was never going to amount to anything, I never even got a hug or had someone tell me that they loved me. Everything was always my fault. If people were angry, I was the one who got the blunt for it. I felt unloved for most of my life…
I always had to be the brightest in my class, I had to be forced to be the top in everything so I could validate my worth to others. I couldn’t make decisions for my self, I had to be a doctor, I had to make a lot of money, that’s what life was like, that was how my life was like. I held so much anger because I had to do everything for everyone else. My social life was non-existent. My passions (ironically music) were not allowed to come forth until now.
I ended up being one of the brightest in my high school class going to two of the top schools in NY state (Suny Binghamton and Suny Stonybrook for my bachelors degrees) . I had gone to Binghamton University as a pre-med student. I was a biology major. During my time, there I had pledged for a sorority and in my sophomore year, I got involved with someone who I shouldn’t have. We never officially dated, but we had I guess you can say, a friends with benefits type of relationship. He wanted more, I never did. Once he was really angry because of things going on his his life and we had a fight and he put a lighter to my skin. I reported it to the school.
The summer of 2001, I was taking organic chemistry. All of us pre-med students know how that class can be 🙂 Well one day, toward the end of the summer, I was upset at my friend because she was in a bad relationship, I was angry because I was tired, we had a huge fight, I pulled an all-nighter for a test the night before and that afternoon, I went for a drive in my car. I drove for 2.5. hours before I got into a major car accident. My car flipped over into the median of Vestal Highway in Binghamton NY. I was driving a brand new Nissan Altima at the time. I was on my way home and I had fallen asleep over the wheel, literally not even a mile, from campus. I hit a parked truck. The impact of that accident was so intense that I blacked out to the point of unconsciousness. I had woken up to paramedics dragging me out of my upside down car. My windshield was cracked, My car was totalled. I was fine though.. To this day I have no idea how I survived that accident. That was the first of three major accidents I’ve been in during my college career. The second is not pertinent to share.
Yet, during college, my depression started to arise more, as a result of my imbalanced childhood, even to the point of committing suicide. There was one night when I had wanted to, I took a drive and I was upset and I stayed at a friend that night. I didnt go through with the attempt, because of my love for music. I felt that no one truly cared about me, I really felt alone in this world. This stuck through for most of my 20’s despite the fact that I knew what my strengths were. Music…. It was the only thing that kept me going. It still is… When I graduated Binghamton, with my bio degree I went home to pursue a bachelors from Stonybrook in music degree (not bad for someone who is hard of hearing right) This was where I started to get some of my independence and hell broke lose. First, I had a fight with my father and I left in the morning one day in the middle of February to go to school and I was in a another major car accident. Some shumck in a Avis rental car ran through a green light and because the road was slippery he went right into my door on the driver’s side. My car once again was totalled. Because I was trying to fight for my independence, I ended becoming physically abused twice. I had two fights with my father and once he literally threw me into a microwave and the second time into a living room. I left my family for ten years because of that. I was 23 years old at the time. No one has the right to touch me like that, NO ONE. I was an adult. I don’t deserve to be treated like that and I sure as hell wasn’t going to tolerate it.
Luckily, I had a friend at the time who took me in (during this time I got my M.L.S> Masters in Library Science at Queens College) but my friendship ended with that person in 2008. I still had no clue as to who I was and I wanted to move to California to seek my independence and get a doctorate in Clinical Psychology (Another one of my interests). I had to be the best right, someone with a disability can’t have a P.H.D. right? Well I wanted to prove everyone wrong… I always knew I was smart and I knew I was musically inclined. It was always the will in me I guess, despite everything I endured in the first 30 years of my life.
Living in Fresno, California , I got my independence. May of 2010 ( I got my second masters in clinical psychology) but in 2011, I took a cold hearted look at my life and I crashed. I literally totally crashed. I realized friends I had weren’t my real friends, I realized because of my awful past, I was chasing the wrong things in life. I was also going to school full time for a Phd, worrying about my financial future and trying to let go of 30 years of emotional pain. I couldn’t handle it. I just could not handle it. I had to do everything by mself. I still do. So i tried to overdose on sleeping pills. I was on the phone with my so called friend (actually ex-fiancee) from Ny for over three hours with the sleeping pills in my hand because I just felt my experiences didn’t matter to people, I felt my life didn’t matter to people. I guess you can say I pushed him away, but when you grow up in that type of environment, you doubt people, and you doubt their trust, their care and you doubt a lot of things about life. You don’t even know who you are at times too, so how can you trust people people, if you don’t even know who you are as a person… But I also realized as I was growing that Him and his family never liked me seeking my independence, I was also not happy with him because his of personal nature and his view to Judaism (among other things, which is another story ) so the relationship ended. So I guess, you can say it was a mutual ending of the relationship.
Nevertheless, As a result of that incident I was hospitalized for a few days but I was released. I was the one who called the police on myself. I couldn’t go through with the attempt. I guess I was too afraid to die even though, believe me I wanted to. That was probably the worst night of my life. It really was awful. I was totally alone, TOTALLY TOTALLY alone for a year and a half. I had lost all my strength, yet I still managed to do well in my classes extremely well. I had a 3.75 G.P.A. So even though my strength was gone, I still had my intelligence.
December of 2011, I met my husband. I still felt my life didn’t matter and I wanted that replay of my life where I could see how my life does impact others. He showed me that. Thank you Bryan (love you :)We started out as good friends, We got married in August of 2012. (more to come of our relationship in a following post in near future) I was still in school at the time, I was still evaluating my life, Luckily I let go of a lot of bottled up emotions (from over 30 years) that I needed to before I met him so I became a happier person, I had a better outlook, I was starting to get my strength back because of him and I started to smile again. I also started creating this blog which ended up becoming such a huge release for me because I got to express who I was. I dropped out of the Phd program because I realized I was chasing the wrong things.I figured what I wanted to do career wise and where I wanted to live (hence Santa Rosa moved here with 300 dollars in my pocket but’s gonna be in a different post ).
I also realized I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. No other degree to my name was going to change that. I realize having a Phd wasn’t going to make me a different person or a happier person. My priorities changed as to what was really important to me. I had survived so much in my life. I started to change what was really important to me and I chose to stick with those priorities now. I still question if my life matters ( my depresion is still there but I manage it better ) but because of my better outlook and becasue of my husband and this blog, I see my life’s value in such a high regard for the world, for my husband and for me.
I write this because it shows that despite what I’ve gone through I chose to not give up, I chose to keep going. My goals have changed because I didn’t know what I wanted out of life but I always kept on moving. I don’t usually share my life story with people because sometimes I feel they don’t really want to hear it, yet I needed to voice it today. I spent so many years not being seen by others, because I grew up in an environment where I wasn’t allowed to voice my opinions. Well now I do, through this blog/website/online radio station… This story may not mean anything to other people, but it means something to me. I almost died like 3 or 4 times. Yet I kept going. I am a miracle, I truly believe that…
I hope who ever reads this at least understands where I am coming from and why I share the songs I do….Love is truly what we all need and from my bad past, I am trying to create a good future for myself, and for the world around me… I am trying to give the love to others through the songs I share. People give their love in different ways. This is how I give mine.. Through the songs i post and through the words I say… I also love myself now in a healthier way but I choose to be loving towards others to the best that I know how and through my gifts….
There is this saying that you get to choose how you treat others despite a bad past, well I choose to treat others with love…
Thank you for reading this. I hope it means something to you… (Please comment on this, it would mean so much)